i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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