I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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