She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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