My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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