even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
