I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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