I saw his package. It spoke to me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
