i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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