Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
