There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
