There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
