i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
