Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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