I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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