I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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