I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Mom said you looked used
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
