my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You ruined the universe
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
