Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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