im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
