capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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