I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
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Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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