I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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