Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
