i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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