Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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