if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
