is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
