Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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