I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
