I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My balls are so social today.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
