Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
