I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
