My nipple is on Facebook.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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