is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
