mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah