He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.