How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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