never play flip cup with pint glasses
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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