The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
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