So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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