She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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