The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
