Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
