It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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