i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
