A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
