Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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