Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
