I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
