Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The air taste purple.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
