He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
