just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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