Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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