Houston, we have a squirter
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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