So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
